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R i n s t e r

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(no subject) [Jun. 1st, 2015|04:41 am]
R i n s t e r

I said I was going to start writing again, but I don't really have anything to write about. My days are simple. I play pool, I go to doctors, and every once in a while I'll hang out with Kaeti. Other than that, I've been pretty isolated...spending my time alone. I started dating again, or if you can even call it that, but I honestly don't think it's going to go anywhere.

I think differently now that Sahra is gone. At least I think that's why I think differently. I find so many things petty and useless. So many things just aren't important anymore. I cut all of the toxic people out of my life. I may not have a quantity of friends anymore, but the ones I do have, there's no drama, but like I said, I spend most of my free time alone. I've always been really good at keeping the illusion that I have such a busy life and I'm never around to see anybody, so nobody even bothers to question it as to why I'm not around.

Most of the time, I'm numbing out my brain, frying it in front of the TV, so I never have to think. I never sleep and I'm always in pain, so that's all I can really do. I'm like a mindless drone just staring out into the world. When I am out, I'm so out of it most of the time, it usually takes me a few seconds to even realize where I am or to get my barings. I go to tournaments and just float around in a daze. I used to talk, talk, talk, to the point where I couldn't shut up, and I know I was annoying. I don't do that anymore. I'm a lot more quiet now. (I'm sure the fact that I was publicly ridiculed on a livestream for someone recognizing "my annoying voice" across the room definitely made me more self-conscious than I already was about it, but I've always been aware of it, I just couldn't help it). All of a sudden, I just don't feel the need to talk like I used to and I'm not so loud anymore. Again, I think it has to do with the fact that nothing really matters anymore, so I don't have anything to talk about.

I'm afraid I've grown so accustomed to this isolated, selfish lifestyle, I'm never going to be able to have a relationship again. Like I said, I've been trying to date, but I just don't have the heart to follow through with it. I'm lucky if I see a guy once a month or text him once a week. I feel smothered so easily. I hate having my freedom taken away. The question is, am I willing to stay alone to keep my freedom and live my life so carefree and selfish as I do? I don't know. I do get lonely, but not lonely enough to make a lifestyle change. I've always been alone. Ironic that a kid who is the youngest of 6 has always been alone, but I don't really have relationships with any of my siblings either. Not close enough to just call them up and ask how they are or ever hang out with them. I never just "hung out" with any of my siblings in my entire life. It's kind of sad really. Especially when I grew up with friends like the Holland family.  4 siblings who are all each others best friends. They do everything together. They're a package deal. I especially feel sad when I hang out with them. They're always all together. I've always fantasized about having siblings like that like I imagine an only child would fantasize about, but I have even more siblings than them, but they're all strangers to me. It's such a tragedy. I talk to Jon maybe once every few months, and Lisa even less. It's been a few years since I've seen or spoken to Anthony. I see Chris and Roby at the store when I go in, but they're more like coworkers than siblings and I haven't been to the store in a while. It's not like any of them have ever pursued a relationship with me either though. It works both ways. That's what I say to my mom when she asks why I don't just call them up. It's not like they ever call me either. I am the little sister after all. You think they'd want to, but they don't, and I don't, so we're all at fault. Everyone is to blame for the lack of relationships.

I would never attempt suicide again...I've been over that for a lot of years, but sometimes I pray a freak accident would happen to me so I could just leave.

Though I hate myself a lot because I know I'm just wasting my life.  The last 10 years I've just wasted and I don't see it changing any time soon because I'm so limited. Lately, I haven't been fearing death like I used to, but more I'm afraid I'm going to blink and I'm going to be 40...and at this rate, that's totally going to happen. I don't have a purpose here. I just exist. My whole life I've dreamt about just disappering. Just fading away. Well, that seems to be what I'm doing anyway. I don't know. I don't even feel like I'm making sense with all of this. All I know is that ever since Sahra died, I'm a different person.

LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Apr. 23rd, 2015|03:37 am]
R i n s t e r

I've had this journal for over 11 years. That's more than a decade. That's insane. I never write anymore. I need to start again.

LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Jul. 27th, 2014|07:48 pm]
R i n s t e r

I can't do this Sahra.  No one will let me mourn and grieve.  My best friend in the entire world is gone.  I can't breathe.  I don't understand.  I buried my best friend 2 days ago.  This isn't supposed to happen.  I'm too busy keeping it together and staying strong for everyone else.  All the drama and cleaning up everyone else's mess and being everyone else's backbone.  Nobody is letting me grieve for my sister.  I can't do this.  How am I supposed to go on?  I feel like everything inside of me got ripped out and ripped apart.  Saying this isn't fair, isn't right.  I just can't even understand this.  The way you and I left things.  That's what I don't understand.  That's what's not fair.  I can almost forgive you for leaving me.  I'm going to struggle with how you and I left things every day of my life with so many unanswered questions and not knowing what happened.  Things are never going to be the same.  How am I ever going to make peace with this?  I'm so lost.  I can't breathe...

LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Aug. 8th, 2012|02:48 pm]
R i n s t e r
Happy birthday Ginkster.  I still love, miss and think about you every day.  I still wish you were here and tell you so many things that have happened since you've been gone.  I miss our talks.  I miss you mentoring me.  I miss you not taking my bullshit.  I miss you letting me yell at you and calling you out on your bullshit and actually telling me I was right lol.  I know you didn't do that for that many people.  It's amazing after this long that I walk into a pool hall and expect to see you, or how many times I'll be walking around at a tournament or even anywhere in general and I'll see the back of a head that I would swear it's you and want to yell out, "YO GINK!!" and then sadly realize it's not you and then even realize it's even sadder that it's never going to be you again.  Anyway...Miss you...Love you.  Happy birthday.  Hope you're having a hell of a birthday up there buddy.  R.I.P.
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2012|05:17 am]
R i n s t e r
Wow...I've actually had kept this journal for over 8 years now.  I know I don't write it in NEARLY as much as I used to...but still...that fact that I still come to it and express myself from time to time...

Let's see.  I started this thing in February 2004.  That makes me 17?  I'm now 25 and going to be 26 in December.  Wow.  No one even uses Livejournal anymore.  I think that's why I still do.  I know I can be more intimate in detail with it because I know no one's going to fucking read it because no one knows it exists.
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Mar. 22nd, 2012|06:00 am]
R i n s t e r
I can't believe it's been over a year already.  March 8th was a year.  It still feels like yesterday.  Really missed you at the the Expo this year.  I still can't used to going there and not walking around and hanging you with you.  I can't believe it's been a year already.  Words can't express how much I miss you.  How much you meant to me.  How much of an impact you had on my life all the years that we were friends.  I knew you since I was a kid.  I still feel like a kid when I think of all the great memories that I shared with you.  It still breaks my heart every day that you're not here.  I hate walking into every tournament and not getting that welcoming hug and kiss and wonderful smile you always greeted me with.  All the times that you would take time out just for me whenever you could just to talk...about anything...everything.  You influenced, motivated me and gave me strength to do so many things.  I miss our phone calls when we could just talk and help each other and relate on a level that no one knew about or needed to know about.  There have been so many times in the last year that I needed you to take me aside and get in my face like you used to and push me to do things that no one else could.  You really believed in me.  I miss having someone around me all the time that constantly did those things for me.  We helped each other in a lot of aspects...especially outside of the pool world.  You were family Ginky.  You always will be in my heart.  I hope your resting peacefully and know how much you impacted me and so many other people.  I will love and miss you always ith all of my heart.  ♥
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2012|03:49 am]
R i n s t e r

I feel so lost and so alone.  No matter how much I reach out and try...I can't get anyone to hang out with me or a friend to anything with me any day of the week for anything.  I don't have a friend in the world.  No matter how hard I try.  I simply don't exist anymore.  I might as well just start going to the bar with a hoodie over my head and drink alone in the corner in silence.  That's pretty much the only way I can see myself going out anymore.  I sit at at home night after night and no matter how many people I try to reach out to and how many times I try, I should just give up...but I don't...I still can't get a single person to do a single thing with me.  If I died right now...one of 2 things would happen:

1.  No one would show up to my funeral.

2.  Everyone would show up and say how sad it was and how much they're going to miss me.  They're all a bunch of fucking liars.  No one's been around or been a friend to me in months.  It's getting to be the end of March of 2012.  I haven't been wanted anywhere by friends since before my birthday in 2011.  And even on my birthday, I had to invite everyone there and barely anyone showed up and it turned out to be a huge disappointment as usual.

I'm not even invisible anymore.

I simply don't exist.

To anyone.

LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Feb. 27th, 2012|11:00 pm]
R i n s t e r
Wow...I'm so zonked tonight...I was just in the shower and it took me a good 15 minutes into the shower while I was washing my hair to actually realize that I had gotten up out of bed and gotten up and was actually taking a shower...that stuff happens so much to me...it scares me the most when I'm driving.  I'm always fully aware of everything going on on the road and everything going on around me in the car, but I could be driving to a doctor's appointment like 30 minutes away, NO GPS, make all the right turns...stop at all the right signs and lights, and then pull up to the parking lot and be like "What the fuck?...I'm at so and so's office?  I have an appointment today?  I just drove here?  I don't even remember getting in the car."  And then I'll reach in my pocket and have the copay in my pocket.  It must be a mixture of my short term memory and my insomnia alertness system that my body just goes on auto-pilot and I'm just oblivious, but my body is completely aware of everything going on.  Freaky.
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Feb. 12th, 2012|01:46 am]
R i n s t e r

It's been tough for me to update on this page for a while because it's really just sad news.

Well...I went to Oregon right before Thanksgiving for the season finale of the WPBA tour of 2011.  It was by far my worst showing on the pro tour in 2 years.  It was beyond an embarrassment of how horrific I played.  I didn't even want to show my face when I was there and wasn't playing.  I wasn't even asked for a single autograph the entire time I was there.  I know that sounds vain, but it's really not.  It's just common for the fans to get all of the players autographs while they're there.  It made me feel like I was a kid again and the people that watched my matches were like "What the fuck is this girl doing here?  She doesn't belong here.  She sucks."

That doesn't even begin to start how bad it got after that.  Obviously out of disgust, I didn't pick up a cue for a while after I got back.

Then on my 25th birthday, December 17th, I decided to have a party at the bar my friends and I all hang out at the night of the 16th (which was a Friday) and I sent out invites and stuff and didn't expect much knowing that my friends would let me down like they always do...so I didn't expect many to show.  I didn't however expect my best friend, Andrew to do what he did to me though.

I told everyone that the party started at 9:00pm, so Andrew said he would drive me and he promised he would get me there by 9:00.  Now he knew about the party for a month and I reminded him several times, including the night before and he never said he had any conflicts whatsoever.  I was also really sick.  He even invited me to go out the night before, but I said because I was sick, I was saving my energy for my party the next night.  He knew it was really important to me.  He said no problem.

So anyway, when Friday night rolled around, I started texting him Friday afternoon, confirming that he would be picking me up and getting me there by 9:00.  He said no problem.  Then around 8:00-8:30, I was all ready to go and text him and he said he was on his way.  He was with his new girlfriend, (which I have no problem with, I think she's a sweetheart and she likes me as well), so I assumed she would be with him when he picked up.  When 8:45 rolled around, I was waiting downstairs and text him again.  He said he was on his way.  Then 9:00 came around.  He said he was on his way.  Then one of my long time best friends, Mattman text me.  He said he was at the bar to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I was excited because I rarely get to see him because he works so much and he's hard to get to go out, so I started getting annoyed that he was at the bar by himself waiting for me.  I started calling Andrew and he said he was on his way blah blah blah.  Andrew lives like 5-not even 10 minutes away.  I kept texting and calling and meanwhile Mattman was texting me that he had to leave because he had so much work to do and had to get up early for work and he couldn't stay and was going to leave the bar.  I kept texting him trying to talk him to waiting for me insuring that Andrew was on his way to pick me up and I'd be there in a few minutes.  Finally...at about 9:45...Andrew finally showed up to my house.  I mean this wasn't any other night...This was my birthday where I told people to be there at 9:00 and I made Andrew promise to get me there by 9:00...so I was fuming.  Of course by then...Mattman had texted me while we were in the car on the way to the bar that he was so sorry they he couldn't wait any longer and he had to go home.   So he left before I got there.  They're excuse for picking me up late was because they got caught up watching Youtube videos.  I hadn't even gotten to the bar yet and I was already about to lose it. 

The other issue, is Andrew's girlfriend isn't 21 yet, so I was worried that she would have issues getting in, and if she wasn't allowed in, Andrew would leave with her.  The bartender who was working though, I knew would be cool with it though, so I was hoping it wouldn't come up.  Luckily, it wasn't an issue.  So we got to the bar and he didn't even buy me a drink or anything and barely spoke a word to me while he was there.  He was too consumed with his girlfriend and just talking to everyone else.  I was talking to some other people, but still, I was alone a lot before my friends started showing up.

Then at 10:30...10 FUCKING 30.  He comes up to me outside saying that him and his girlfriend are leaving.  I'm like...You've got to be kidding me.  You're not even going to stay until midnight until my birthday?  It wasn't like they were going anywhere or had anything to do the next morning.  They had no excuse for leaving.  They were barely there for 45 minutes, and he was my ride, so he was leaving me stranded.  I was in shock.  By then...a couple of my friends had showed up.  When Andrew was driving me to the bar...they said they might not stay all night...but I said you're going to stay at least until midnight for when I turn 25, right?  He said, yeah.  I couldn't believe my best friend was doing this to me.  For no reason.  So he came to hug and kiss me goodbye and I said, I'm really pissed that you're leaving right now.  He really had nothing to say besides a bare sorry and left anyway.  I was super upset.

My other friends saw what happened and they got really pissed too.  Unfortunately, most of those friends are all friends I met through Andrew...which will come into play later.  They of course said what he did was uncalled for and they got really upset at him as well.  But I was determined not to let it ruin my night.  Again I was DETERMINED to beat the birthday curse.  I carried on with the night.  A few of my friends showed, but not nearly as many as I thought would or expected to, but I've learned to accept that "my friends" always let me down.  I just never expected Andrew to be one of them.

Then the next day on my actual birthday, I was still horribly sick, I knew I would be doing nothing.  I didn't even go out with my parents for my annual birthday dinner.  I would find out later (I went to the doctor on the 15th and I was waiting for results) that I was battling a nasty cold but that I also had sinusitis, a sinus infection and then I came back positive for strep throat.  On my actual birthday day, I didn't receive a call, a text or even a facebook message from Andrew wishing me a happy birthday.  Besides a very select family members, I didn't receive any call or texts from ANY friends wishing me a happy birthday either.  Not a single one.  Again...I'm used to the disappointment, so I've almost numbed myself to it.

Then on the 20th, is when the shit hit the fan.

My brother Robbie, was leaving the store on his Vespa, and 2 cars BOTH making illegal left hand turns, cut him off hitting each other and one hit him.  He went into immediate surgery.  My mom and I rushed to the hospital meeting my oldest brother Chris there.  We waited for what seemed to be an eternity.  Because they were in surgery and it was so late, they couldn't tell us or update us with anything, so all we could do was sit and wait.

He ended up losing his spleen, a kidney, a collapsed lung, lost 10 pints of blood, fractured all of his ribs, and they couldn't close up his stomach because it was so swollen from the surgery so they had to cover it in a special plastic and mesh.  He was in a coma for 3 weeks.  Things kept going wrong.  He developed pneumonia and infections in his lungs and every time he went in for surgery to close up his stomach...it was still too swollen to close completely.  He finally just had a 4th surgery to close it.  It's still swollen though.  He's still in ridiculous critical care and still on a ventilator and can't breathe on his own.  He can't talk yet.  They moved him to another hospital last week where they're more equip to deal with trauma cases like his.  He's going to be laid up for at least 8 months.  That's just explaining the bare minimum.  It would take me forever to write everything.  My parents and I are going to go see him in the morning.

It really sucked because I was sick for a month, I wasn't allowed to see him because I wasn't allowed to be near him.  Then I went to Michigan for the WPBA season opener about 3 weeks ago.  But right before that.  THE SHIT HIT THE FAN AGAIN.

I was leaving for Michigan on Monday, January 23rd.  The Tuesday before I left, my cousin (we still aren't 100% sure) committed or accidentally committed suicide.  He sliced his wrists.  He didn't mean to, but he sliced the main artery and bled out before they could save him at the hospital.  We all went into shock.  The funeral was the next day (Wednesday).

Now before I get into the next part, my Aunt Pat, who I knew since the day I was born and absolutely adore (unrelated to my cousin) has been slowly dying of cancer and we knew she didn't have much longer to live.  They moved upstate a couple years ago, rather than in the same town like they always did.  Knowing this...I kept begging my mom to take me to see her.  But then every time I would go to a weekend tournament, my mom would randomly plan an overnight trip upstate to go see her without me, and I was really upset because I hadn't seen her in so long and I really wanted to see her one last time to say goodbye.  I loved her so much.  When we were up there for Thanksgiving, I even begged my parents to take one of the days to go see her because she lives about 20 minutes from my grandmother's where we were staying, but my other family who we were spending the holidays with consumed us with plans and we didn't get a chance to see her.

So the day of my cousin's funeral on Wednesday, I was coming home from a doctor's appointment to get ready for the funeral, and I walked in the house and my mom was crying.  I asked what was wrong.  She said that my Aunt Pat had passed away during the night.  It's making me cry now.   More than anything because I didn't get to say goodbye.  I wanted to say goodbye so bad so many times.  I just broke down on the couch with my mom.   We had to get ourselves together though because we had to get ready and go to my cousin's funeral.

I told my parents I didn't want to go to Michigan.  I wanted to stay home and be with my family.  Plus, because I had been sick since my birthday, I hadn't been able to practice at all and literally hadn't played pool since Oregon...but because the trip and my entry fee and everything was all paid for, I said I would go and they insisted I go anyway to get away from everything going on here for a while.  So I did.

I knew Robbie was still critical, but he had been stable and they assured me, he would remain stable...so I got my shit together and left for Michigan.  No one knew what was going on in my life obviously.  A few people knew about Robbie because we were getting so overwhelmed with phone calls and everyone bothering us every moment of every day asking how he was that eventually my mom and I broke down and started updating on facebook, not detailed, but just saying thank you to everyone for their wishes and prayers and he's still in the hospital and he's making progress.  Vague updates like that.  We didn't post anything for at least a week or 2 because my mom never wants anything online when anything happens in the family because she doesn't want to be bombarded by friends and family obviously, so she doesn't let me talk to anyone about it either...which can be hard.

So when I got to Michigan, no one knew what was going on with me obviously...Only 2 girls on the entire tour saw something on facebook about my brother in the hospital and asked how he was.  I said he was in an accident and that he got hit, but didn't go into detail, but I didn't say anything about my cousin or my aunt, because I didn't want anyone to be overwhelmed by me or make it sound like I wanted anyone's sympathy.  I tried to walk around the tournament all week like my normal self when I'm at tournaments, but a bunch of girls picked up on it right away...I guess my acting wasn't that good, and they kept asking if I was okay.  I just said I was tired and I was just getting over being sick, so I was out of it.

Then right before the players meeting (before the tournament), the tournament director in conversation to the person next to me said that his daughter the night before was just in a car accident and got hit by another car and lost her spleen as well.  Not only that, but her husband died in the crash and she was pregnant and she lost the baby.  I told him how sorry I was.  It eventually got to the point though where he was talking to the other girl, and I kinda slipped away from the conversation and walked out of the room because I was just too overwhelmed.  I was trying so hard not to breakdown because the players meeting was about to start.

After the players meeting, before we all got up to leave the conference room, the girl who he was having the conversation with (who is known to have a really big mouth...I'm not going to say who it is), stood up and told all the girls what had happened to the tournament director (he had already left the room).  First of all, I thought she had no right to get up and say that because he said that to her in private and I heard the whole conversation and nowhere in the conversation did he ask her or let her know that it was okay to tell all of the girls in the room about his private life.  I sure as hell know that if I told someone about Robbie, my cousin and my aunt in confidence, and left the room and they got up and made a detailed announcement, I would rip their throat out.  Obviously she was doing saying, just to be sympathetic towards him this week, don't be rough on him...and then she asked if we could all all hold hands and have a moment of silence.  I don't know what was more awkward.  Her having no business to do all of this and everyone realizing that, or the fact everyone looked at each other and not a single person grabbed hands.  We just had an awkward moment of silence.  We all knew that she wasn't doing it for him.  She was just doing because she's an attention whore and was doing it for the attention.  I unfortunately, was seated next to her and was gritting my teeth so hard.  As soon as the meeting was over, I stormed out of the room quietly and as fast as I could and went straight up to my hotel room to cry. 

About a half hour later I went back down to the arena for the charity event and I was just overwhelmed and I called my mom and told her about the tournament director and how horrible I felt and how much it was like Robbie and I was off to the side so I could talk quietly on the phone.  I started getting really choked up and had to slip behind a curtain and I just started bawling quietly on the phone with my mom.  I said "I can't do this.  I want to come home."  She said, "Erin, You need to be away from all this madness right now.  Focus on the tournament.  It's worse here.  Just go play and take your mind off of everything going on."  Obviously it was a much longer conversation, but I decided to pick my chin up, wipe off my tears and stay.  Luckily, no one heard me or saw me.

I ended up doing okay in the tournament...but it still wasn't an easy week.

Back to Andrew though.  I still haven't spoken to him.  2 weeks after my brother's accident...I know he saw stuff written about him on facebook or whatever and he never tried to contact me or anything asking what happened to my brother or if anything was okay.  I didn't expect him to know about my cousin or my aunt, because that wasn't on facebook, but it's now been almost 2 months and he still hasn't asked me a word about my brother.  About 3 weeks after my birthday, he messaged me on facebook in an IM saying "hey."  I didn't respond.  Then like a week or 2 later...he text me "hey."  I didn't respond.  You think he would think maybe something was wrong.  Then on January 12th, he text me, Hey going to the bar tonight want to come down?"  (Which would imply that I drove out there...and he was talking about the bar with his friends that I really didn't know anyone.)  "Going around 10."  Again I didn't respond.  Then on February 4th...a month later...he text me, "hey".  Again...I didn't respond.

Okay...It's been almost 2 months since my birthday and all he's pretty much said to me is hey and that's it.  HE FINALLY ACTUALLY PICKED UP THE PHONE AND CALLED ME yesterday.  I think I was sleeping, but I didn't answer obviously.

I've told him in the past.  When I don't talk to you for long periods of time...there's only one reason.  I'm BEYOND pissed at you...just for future reference the last time we had an argument and I didn't speak to him for like 3 months and he didn't realize that when your best friend doesn't talk to you for 3 months and usually talks to you a couple times a week...something's probably wrong.  So he knows that now that when I don't talk to him for long periods of time I'm mad at him.

So this is where the whole his friends are my friends thing comes into play.  I have not been invited out to do ANYTHING since my birthday, by any of them.  I'm assuming it's because Andrew probably knows I'm mad at him and they obviously would rather have Andrew out than invite me out.

Andrew is/was my best friend.  If he cared at all...He would ask me about my brother.  He would would come to my house.  Obviously something is wrong.  He hasn't seen me out.  He knows I'm home.  And it's been so hard with my brother, my cousin and my aunt.  I'm so lonely.  I literally have NO friends.  I have no one to talk to.  I was in bed for a month when I was sick...then I went to Michigan and I've been in bed doing nothing ever since.  No one has invited me to do anything.  No one has asked me how I am.  No one has even asked "What's up?"  I post on facebook at least once or twice a week the nights I know everyone goes out "What's going on tonight?  Or Is anyone doing anything tonight?  Or if I see people might be doing something, I'll say...If you guys are doing something tonight let me know.  It's not like I haven't made an effort.  No one has invited me anywhere.  I mean it's another Saturday night tonight that I tried earlier in the night to see if anyone wanted to do something and I got no responses.

I'm soooooooooooooo lonely.  The only people I see are my parents and my doctors.  I can't talk to my parents anymore.  They're so stressed out as it is and they take it out on me.  And god forbid I were to tell my parents I were lonely, they would just take that as me being depressed again and then making me see my psychologist more and put me back on more meds that I've worked so hard to get off of.  But it's not depression.  I'm just so lonely because I literally have no friends like I used to and I have no one to talk to and whenever I say that...my parents just say, well just go out and make new friends...like it's so fucking easy.  I'm 25 years old.

Andrew and I have had our tiffs before, but I never thought he would betray me like this.  We've always been there for each other.  It wasn't even like I did anything to him for him to do what he did to me on my birthday.  At this point...in anger, I've said to my therapist since it happened in the last couple of weeks that I'm done and I just feel too betrayed and I'm ready to cut him out of my life.  I swore I would never say that about him.   But as time goes on...I'm really starting to feel stronger and stronger about that.  Unfortunately, with that...I lose all of my "other" friends too.  But then again, I guess I've already lost them.  I don't know.  Andrew has been such a huge part of my life for so long and has been my best friend for so many years.  Without him...I have no one.  And that's how I've felt since my birthday.  Alone.  I have no one.  And then everything started happening and I was just praying for a friend...just someone to talk to.  I've gone out of my way for so many people and been there for so many people and it hurts that no one has ever done the same for me.  And now when I need it the most and I'm just screaming out of my own skin for a friend...everywhere I look...so desperately...there is no one there...anywhere I look.  I'm completely...utterly alone.  I feel so lost.  All I ask is for a friend.  A real friend.  I've been a real friend to so many people.  All I ask is for just ONE in return.  Is that really so much to ask?  If I keep burying all this pain inside and everything going on and I keep burying and burying because I have no friends to help me or talk to or be there for me...I'm afraid I'm going to lose it.

I feel like I just don't exist anymore...and in the past...I'll admit...I'm usually at fault for that.  I isolated myself.  But this time...I'm not.  I've cried out for help, I've begged for friends, I've asked for people to maybe do for me what I did for them once...but I'm just invisible and worthless.  No one will even look at me.  I'm screaming in a sound proof box and everyone is just turned away forgotten that I even exist.  I doubt they even remember my name.  That hurts so much.  I'm so alone and I've never felt so helpless.

LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Dec. 28th, 2011|05:00 am]
R i n s t e r

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

-Jared Leto
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(no subject) [Nov. 16th, 2011|04:08 pm]
R i n s t e r
I wrote this on your page on your birthday a week ago:

Happy birthday Miles.

God...I can't believe it's been 3 years. 3 years since I've seen your
face, saw your smile, heard your laugh, laughed at your jokes......Just
got to be around the most amazing person in the world. It's been 3
years and they say it gets easier, but it still hasn't. I do have your
little plastic medallion that you gave to me when we were kids in my
pool case for good luck like I always do
and I kiss it before every match. It's a silly little plastic 25 cent
gold medal that you won at camp or something that has a red, white and
blue ribbon around it as a necklace. It's so dorky, but I've always
loved it. Whenever it sticks out of my case, someone will be like,
"What the hell is that?" and I just smile and I say, "The best good luck
charm I could ever have."

I'm really sad I'm not home. I'm in
Oregon for the Tour Championships. Your Mom invited me out for dinner
tomorrow (well technically tonight because it's the 9th) for your
birthday and I felt horrible for having to decline the invitation.
Between practicing and the Players Meeting tomorrow, I'm going to find
some time to call your Dad, unless he calls me first, which wouldn't
surprise me. I just have to remember the 3 hour time difference.

I can't say it enough. I miss you and I love you with all of my heart
and always will. I may not be home to see your pictures on my wall, but
that's why I keep a picture of you in my wallet, so I can see your
smile everywhere that I go.


Miles...It's been exactly 3 years since we lost you. I don't know what else to say
that I already haven't said a million times. It doesn't get easier. I
miss you like crazy and I love you and just wish that I never lost my
best friend. RIP. 11/9/86-11//16/08

LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2011|12:12 am]
R i n s t e r
6 months...Well technically 6 months and a day because it's 12:128am.
Either way...I can't believe it's been 6 months. It still feels like I
just saw you. I still walk into tournaments expecting to see you. It
still doesn't feel real. It still doesn't feel like you're gone. I
miss you so much. I love you Ginkster.
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Aug. 12th, 2011|05:15 am]
R i n s t e r
I have no idea why, but for some reason I just feel very rageful at the moment.  No idea why.  I have to stay up all night and all day to give myself the best chance of sleeping tomorrow night because I have a tournament this weekend.  It's 5:11am.  I have an MRI in a couple of hours.  I don't know...just completely irrelevant, but I just feel angry.  Not towards anyone or anything or even at myself.  I don't know where the anger is directed.  I just feel it.  I wouldn't even describe it as anger.  Like I said...it's more of a feeling of rage.  Like I feel like I'm just going to snap.  I'm not going to.  I have enough control over myself to know that I'm not going to, but I have no idea why I feel this way.  Just thought I'd write it down and document it considering I have nothing better to do at 5am in the morning.
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(no subject) [Aug. 8th, 2011|03:57 pm]
R i n s t e r
Happy birthday Ginky.   Miss you like crazy every day.  Still can't believe you're gone.  I still show up to tournaments expecting you to be there.   This is the first birthday you're going to miss. RIP buddy.  Hold a spot up there for me.  Preferably the 5 and out ;)
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(no subject) [Aug. 1st, 2011|09:13 pm]
R i n s t e r
Damn...The twitter thing isn't working.  I followed all of the directions.  I'm so technologically retarded.  Oh well.
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Jul. 13th, 2011|04:33 pm]
R i n s t e r
MIssing you so much today.

I know it's been forever since I wrote.

March 8th...I lost Ginky.  He was only 39.  He was a mentor, a friend, a confidant and most of all...family.  We had a bond that only 1 or 2 people knew about that we would talk hours on the phone about our addictions and our pasts and getting through tough times that people didn't understand about.  It breaks my heart because he was doing so well.  He was clean and sober and he was winning again.  He was winning EVERYTHING.  He was getting back on top where he belonged and never should have fell from in the the first place.  Then he broke his wrist.  He tried not to use the pain killers that were prescribed because of his past....but I guess the temptation was too much.  Then he started drinking with the pills again.  6 months later give or take...he was gone.  It wasn't on purpose.  It never is with someone like that.  I just wish he called me that night like so many other nights he was struggling.

I had to leave for Valley Forge the following day, and I kept seeing him everywhere.  It hadn't hit me.   They postponed his funeral until after the tournament.  On the 10th while in Valley Forge, my dad and I got slammed into by a drunk driver at a red light.  My neck and back have been really messed up ever since and that's a whole nother story of hell that I don't want to get into now.  Anyway, I assumed because the funeral was scheduled a week after his death, there was no way it would be an open casket.  They actually kept his body on ice so it could be an open casket.  I was mortified when I got there.  He looked terrible.  I just broke down.

It's been 4 months and it still hasn't hit me.  I still expect to see him at every tournament.  I still constantly see him everywhere.  I feel like he's not gone.  I miss him so much though.  Then I also realized that his funeral was on March 17th.  Exactly 3 years TO THE DAY that I last saw Miles in the flesh.  That hit me the hardest.

I don't know when I'm going to face the fact that he's gone and I know it's going to hit hard when I do.  Especially going through all this pain management bullshit since the accident.

JT made a memorial video about him (which I honestly don't think is that great) but it's something and one of my favorite songs.

Here's the link:  http://vimeo.com/21177413

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(no subject) [Feb. 26th, 2011|10:22 pm]
R i n s t e r
I fucking hate myself and my life so much.
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Feb. 22nd, 2011|02:28 pm]
R i n s t e r
Missing a great guy today who left us way too young 2 years ago. RIP Dawson. You'll always be in my heart.
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Jan. 26th, 2011|01:06 am]
R i n s t e r
Every breath that I exhale, is a sigh of exhaustion.

How sad - this is what your life has
been reduced to - a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress.
The strings have been removed from the blinds and all the outlets have been
painted over. The television screen is streaked with blood smeared from your
knuckles as you were trying to punch it out but you underestimated its
strength, or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough. Startled by a knock
at the door you rise for the first time in two days to answer, but you can
only greet the visitor with one short statement. Hello my first name is
distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again. Hello my name is
distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again. Hello I really
don't care if I never wake up again. I really don't care if I never wake up
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(no subject) [Jan. 18th, 2011|01:27 am]
R i n s t e r
Why do I find it so compelling to watch the most depressing movie I can think of/find when I'm in a really dark place?  I always do that to myself.  I don't know why.
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Jan. 13th, 2011|08:14 am]
R i n s t e r
So I was a drunken mess....again...last night.  I'm at that point again where my drinking has been out of control and I don't caare if I wake up or not.  My depression is really bad.  I shouldn't be drinking in the first place, and even back in the day when I used to do this...I'd drink until I was on the floor blacked out. At least I have th sense now that when I know I'm wasted, I try and get a ride home.  Then I just cry to my mother about how much I don't want to be here and how much I want to die.  I don't want to go into a program for a couple of months because I know that won't help....and we can't afford it.  My mom says we can, but of course any mother would say that to her child crying about how much they want to die.  I don't know what else to say.  I just don't know.  I'm hurting so bad.  I promised I would never let myself get to this point again.  Apparently I broke the promise to myself and lied.
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2010|04:10 am]
R i n s t e r
Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

Oh Oh
The end of the world

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful...

It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me...
LinkShoot the shit

(no subject) [Nov. 11th, 2010|03:43 am]
R i n s t e r
This is always the toughest week because Miles had to go kill himself exactly a week after his birthday.  It's a whole week of mourning and grieving that I've now gone through for 2 years.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and it certainly hasn't gotten easier.  I'm still so mad for you leaving me here all alone when we relied and depended on each other so much.  We should be doing shots for our birthdays right now, but we can't.  I want to forgive you, I have to forgive you, but I'm still so mad.  It makes me feel so guilty to feel that way, but we both know I have a right to.  I love and miss you asshole.

My best friend Miles,
11/9/1986 - 11/16/08
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(no subject) [Nov. 9th, 2010|01:06 am]
R i n s t e r

My Dearest Miles,

It's you 24th birthday today and we should be celebrating it together like we always used to.  Unfortunately, this is the 2nd one you've missed.  It's YOUR birthday.   It's really going to suck without you...like every other day since you've been gone.  I miss and love you every day and not a day goes by that I don't recall all of the amazing memories we shared together.  RIP my best friend.

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(no subject) [Nov. 8th, 2010|12:19 pm]
R i n s t e r
Tomorrow is your birthday.   It's going to be the 2nd one you've missed.  It's really going to suck without you...like every other day.  Miss you so much Miles.
LinkShoot the shit

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