It's been tough for me to update on this page for a while because it's really just sad news.
Well...I went to Oregon right before Thanksgiving for the season finale of the WPBA tour of 2011. It was by far my worst showing on the pro tour in 2 years. It was beyond an embarrassment of how horrific I played. I didn't even want to show my face when I was there and wasn't playing. I wasn't even asked for a single autograph the entire time I was there. I know that sounds vain, but it's really not. It's just common for the fans to get all of the players autographs while they're there. It made me feel like I was a kid again and the people that watched my matches were like "What the fuck is this girl doing here? She doesn't belong here. She sucks."
That doesn't even begin to start how bad it got after that. Obviously out of disgust, I didn't pick up a cue for a while after I got back.
Then on my 25th birthday, December 17th, I decided to have a party at the bar my friends and I all hang out at the night of the 16th (which was a Friday) and I sent out invites and stuff and didn't expect much knowing that my friends would let me down like they always do...so I didn't expect many to show. I didn't however expect my best friend, Andrew to do what he did to me though.
I told everyone that the party started at 9:00pm, so Andrew said he would drive me and he promised he would get me there by 9:00. Now he knew about the party for a month and I reminded him several times, including the night before and he never said he had any conflicts whatsoever. I was also really sick. He even invited me to go out the night before, but I said because I was sick, I was saving my energy for my party the next night. He knew it was really important to me. He said no problem.
So anyway, when Friday night rolled around, I started texting him Friday afternoon, confirming that he would be picking me up and getting me there by 9:00. He said no problem. Then around 8:00-8:30, I was all ready to go and text him and he said he was on his way. He was with his new girlfriend, (which I have no problem with, I think she's a sweetheart and she likes me as well), so I assumed she would be with him when he picked up. When 8:45 rolled around, I was waiting downstairs and text him again. He said he was on his way. Then 9:00 came around. He said he was on his way. Then one of my long time best friends, Mattman text me. He said he was at the bar to wish me a Happy Birthday. I was excited because I rarely get to see him because he works so much and he's hard to get to go out, so I started getting annoyed that he was at the bar by himself waiting for me. I started calling Andrew and he said he was on his way blah blah blah. Andrew lives like 5-not even 10 minutes away. I kept texting and calling and meanwhile Mattman was texting me that he had to leave because he had so much work to do and had to get up early for work and he couldn't stay and was going to leave the bar. I kept texting him trying to talk him to waiting for me insuring that Andrew was on his way to pick me up and I'd be there in a few minutes. Finally...at about 9:45...Andrew finally showed up to my house. I mean this wasn't any other night...This was my birthday where I told people to be there at 9:00 and I made Andrew promise to get me there by 9:00...so I was fuming. Of course by then...Mattman had texted me while we were in the car on the way to the bar that he was so sorry they he couldn't wait any longer and he had to go home. So he left before I got there. They're excuse for picking me up late was because they got caught up watching Youtube videos. I hadn't even gotten to the bar yet and I was already about to lose it.
The other issue, is Andrew's girlfriend isn't 21 yet, so I was worried that she would have issues getting in, and if she wasn't allowed in, Andrew would leave with her. The bartender who was working though, I knew would be cool with it though, so I was hoping it wouldn't come up. Luckily, it wasn't an issue. So we got to the bar and he didn't even buy me a drink or anything and barely spoke a word to me while he was there. He was too consumed with his girlfriend and just talking to everyone else. I was talking to some other people, but still, I was alone a lot before my friends started showing up.
Then at 10:30...10 FUCKING 30. He comes up to me outside saying that him and his girlfriend are leaving. I'm like...You've got to be kidding me. You're not even going to stay until midnight until my birthday? It wasn't like they were going anywhere or had anything to do the next morning. They had no excuse for leaving. They were barely there for 45 minutes, and he was my ride, so he was leaving me stranded. I was in shock. By then...a couple of my friends had showed up. When Andrew was driving me to the bar...they said they might not stay all night...but I said you're going to stay at least until midnight for when I turn 25, right? He said, yeah. I couldn't believe my best friend was doing this to me. For no reason. So he came to hug and kiss me goodbye and I said, I'm really pissed that you're leaving right now. He really had nothing to say besides a bare sorry and left anyway. I was super upset.
My other friends saw what happened and they got really pissed too. Unfortunately, most of those friends are all friends I met through Andrew...which will come into play later. They of course said what he did was uncalled for and they got really upset at him as well. But I was determined not to let it ruin my night. Again I was DETERMINED to beat the birthday curse. I carried on with the night. A few of my friends showed, but not nearly as many as I thought would or expected to, but I've learned to accept that "my friends" always let me down. I just never expected Andrew to be one of them.
Then the next day on my actual birthday, I was still horribly sick, I knew I would be doing nothing. I didn't even go out with my parents for my annual birthday dinner. I would find out later (I went to the doctor on the 15th and I was waiting for results) that I was battling a nasty cold but that I also had sinusitis, a sinus infection and then I came back positive for strep throat. On my actual birthday day, I didn't receive a call, a text or even a facebook message from Andrew wishing me a happy birthday. Besides a very select family members, I didn't receive any call or texts from ANY friends wishing me a happy birthday either. Not a single one. Again...I'm used to the disappointment, so I've almost numbed myself to it.
Then on the 20th, is when the shit hit the fan.
My brother Robbie, was leaving the store on his Vespa, and 2 cars BOTH making illegal left hand turns, cut him off hitting each other and one hit him. He went into immediate surgery. My mom and I rushed to the hospital meeting my oldest brother Chris there. We waited for what seemed to be an eternity. Because they were in surgery and it was so late, they couldn't tell us or update us with anything, so all we could do was sit and wait.
He ended up losing his spleen, a kidney, a collapsed lung, lost 10 pints of blood, fractured all of his ribs, and they couldn't close up his stomach because it was so swollen from the surgery so they had to cover it in a special plastic and mesh. He was in a coma for 3 weeks. Things kept going wrong. He developed pneumonia and infections in his lungs and every time he went in for surgery to close up his stomach...it was still too swollen to close completely. He finally just had a 4th surgery to close it. It's still swollen though. He's still in ridiculous critical care and still on a ventilator and can't breathe on his own. He can't talk yet. They moved him to another hospital last week where they're more equip to deal with trauma cases like his. He's going to be laid up for at least 8 months. That's just explaining the bare minimum. It would take me forever to write everything. My parents and I are going to go see him in the morning.
It really sucked because I was sick for a month, I wasn't allowed to see him because I wasn't allowed to be near him. Then I went to Michigan for the WPBA season opener about 3 weeks ago. But right before that. THE SHIT HIT THE FAN AGAIN.
I was leaving for Michigan on Monday, January 23rd. The Tuesday before I left, my cousin (we still aren't 100% sure) committed or accidentally committed suicide. He sliced his wrists. He didn't mean to, but he sliced the main artery and bled out before they could save him at the hospital. We all went into shock. The funeral was the next day (Wednesday).
Now before I get into the next part, my Aunt Pat, who I knew since the day I was born and absolutely adore (unrelated to my cousin) has been slowly dying of cancer and we knew she didn't have much longer to live. They moved upstate a couple years ago, rather than in the same town like they always did. Knowing this...I kept begging my mom to take me to see her. But then every time I would go to a weekend tournament, my mom would randomly plan an overnight trip upstate to go see her without me, and I was really upset because I hadn't seen her in so long and I really wanted to see her one last time to say goodbye. I loved her so much. When we were up there for Thanksgiving, I even begged my parents to take one of the days to go see her because she lives about 20 minutes from my grandmother's where we were staying, but my other family who we were spending the holidays with consumed us with plans and we didn't get a chance to see her.
So the day of my cousin's funeral on Wednesday, I was coming home from a doctor's appointment to get ready for the funeral, and I walked in the house and my mom was crying. I asked what was wrong. She said that my Aunt Pat had passed away during the night. It's making me cry now. More than anything because I didn't get to say goodbye. I wanted to say goodbye so bad so many times. I just broke down on the couch with my mom. We had to get ourselves together though because we had to get ready and go to my cousin's funeral.
I told my parents I didn't want to go to Michigan. I wanted to stay home and be with my family. Plus, because I had been sick since my birthday, I hadn't been able to practice at all and literally hadn't played pool since Oregon...but because the trip and my entry fee and everything was all paid for, I said I would go and they insisted I go anyway to get away from everything going on here for a while. So I did.
I knew Robbie was still critical, but he had been stable and they assured me, he would remain stable...so I got my shit together and left for Michigan. No one knew what was going on in my life obviously. A few people knew about Robbie because we were getting so overwhelmed with phone calls and everyone bothering us every moment of every day asking how he was that eventually my mom and I broke down and started updating on facebook, not detailed, but just saying thank you to everyone for their wishes and prayers and he's still in the hospital and he's making progress. Vague updates like that. We didn't post anything for at least a week or 2 because my mom never wants anything online when anything happens in the family because she doesn't want to be bombarded by friends and family obviously, so she doesn't let me talk to anyone about it either...which can be hard.
So when I got to Michigan, no one knew what was going on with me obviously...Only 2 girls on the entire tour saw something on facebook about my brother in the hospital and asked how he was. I said he was in an accident and that he got hit, but didn't go into detail, but I didn't say anything about my cousin or my aunt, because I didn't want anyone to be overwhelmed by me or make it sound like I wanted anyone's sympathy. I tried to walk around the tournament all week like my normal self when I'm at tournaments, but a bunch of girls picked up on it right away...I guess my acting wasn't that good, and they kept asking if I was okay. I just said I was tired and I was just getting over being sick, so I was out of it.
Then right before the players meeting (before the tournament), the tournament director in conversation to the person next to me said that his daughter the night before was just in a car accident and got hit by another car and lost her spleen as well. Not only that, but her husband died in the crash and she was pregnant and she lost the baby. I told him how sorry I was. It eventually got to the point though where he was talking to the other girl, and I kinda slipped away from the conversation and walked out of the room because I was just too overwhelmed. I was trying so hard not to breakdown because the players meeting was about to start.
After the players meeting, before we all got up to leave the conference room, the girl who he was having the conversation with (who is known to have a really big mouth...I'm not going to say who it is), stood up and told all the girls what had happened to the tournament director (he had already left the room). First of all, I thought she had no right to get up and say that because he said that to her in private and I heard the whole conversation and nowhere in the conversation did he ask her or let her know that it was okay to tell all of the girls in the room about his private life. I sure as hell know that if I told someone about Robbie, my cousin and my aunt in confidence, and left the room and they got up and made a detailed announcement, I would rip their throat out. Obviously she was doing saying, just to be sympathetic towards him this week, don't be rough on him...and then she asked if we could all all hold hands and have a moment of silence. I don't know what was more awkward. Her having no business to do all of this and everyone realizing that, or the fact everyone looked at each other and not a single person grabbed hands. We just had an awkward moment of silence. We all knew that she wasn't doing it for him. She was just doing because she's an attention whore and was doing it for the attention. I unfortunately, was seated next to her and was gritting my teeth so hard. As soon as the meeting was over, I stormed out of the room quietly and as fast as I could and went straight up to my hotel room to cry.
About a half hour later I went back down to the arena for the charity event and I was just overwhelmed and I called my mom and told her about the tournament director and how horrible I felt and how much it was like Robbie and I was off to the side so I could talk quietly on the phone. I started getting really choked up and had to slip behind a curtain and I just started bawling quietly on the phone with my mom. I said "I can't do this. I want to come home." She said, "Erin, You need to be away from all this madness right now. Focus on the tournament. It's worse here. Just go play and take your mind off of everything going on." Obviously it was a much longer conversation, but I decided to pick my chin up, wipe off my tears and stay. Luckily, no one heard me or saw me.
I ended up doing okay in the tournament...but it still wasn't an easy week.
Back to Andrew though. I still haven't spoken to him. 2 weeks after my brother's accident...I know he saw stuff written about him on facebook or whatever and he never tried to contact me or anything asking what happened to my brother or if anything was okay. I didn't expect him to know about my cousin or my aunt, because that wasn't on facebook, but it's now been almost 2 months and he still hasn't asked me a word about my brother. About 3 weeks after my birthday, he messaged me on facebook in an IM saying "hey." I didn't respond. Then like a week or 2 later...he text me "hey." I didn't respond. You think he would think maybe something was wrong. Then on January 12th, he text me, Hey going to the bar tonight want to come down?" (Which would imply that I drove out there...and he was talking about the bar with his friends that I really didn't know anyone.) "Going around 10." Again I didn't respond. Then on February 4th...a month later...he text me, "hey". Again...I didn't respond.
Okay...It's been almost 2 months since my birthday and all he's pretty much said to me is hey and that's it. HE FINALLY ACTUALLY PICKED UP THE PHONE AND CALLED ME yesterday. I think I was sleeping, but I didn't answer obviously.
I've told him in the past. When I don't talk to you for long periods of time...there's only one reason. I'm BEYOND pissed at you...just for future reference the last time we had an argument and I didn't speak to him for like 3 months and he didn't realize that when your best friend doesn't talk to you for 3 months and usually talks to you a couple times a week...something's probably wrong. So he knows that now that when I don't talk to him for long periods of time I'm mad at him.
So this is where the whole his friends are my friends thing comes into play. I have not been invited out to do ANYTHING since my birthday, by any of them. I'm assuming it's because Andrew probably knows I'm mad at him and they obviously would rather have Andrew out than invite me out.
Andrew is/was my best friend. If he cared at all...He would ask me about my brother. He would would come to my house. Obviously something is wrong. He hasn't seen me out. He knows I'm home. And it's been so hard with my brother, my cousin and my aunt. I'm so lonely. I literally have NO friends. I have no one to talk to. I was in bed for a month when I was sick...then I went to Michigan and I've been in bed doing nothing ever since. No one has invited me to do anything. No one has asked me how I am. No one has even asked "What's up?" I post on facebook at least once or twice a week the nights I know everyone goes out "What's going on tonight? Or Is anyone doing anything tonight? Or if I see people might be doing something, I'll say...If you guys are doing something tonight let me know. It's not like I haven't made an effort. No one has invited me anywhere. I mean it's another Saturday night tonight that I tried earlier in the night to see if anyone wanted to do something and I got no responses.
I'm soooooooooooooo lonely. The only people I see are my parents and my doctors. I can't talk to my parents anymore. They're so stressed out as it is and they take it out on me. And god forbid I were to tell my parents I were lonely, they would just take that as me being depressed again and then making me see my psychologist more and put me back on more meds that I've worked so hard to get off of. But it's not depression. I'm just so lonely because I literally have no friends like I used to and I have no one to talk to and whenever I say that...my parents just say, well just go out and make new friends...like it's so fucking easy. I'm 25 years old.
Andrew and I have had our tiffs before, but I never thought he would betray me like this. We've always been there for each other. It wasn't even like I did anything to him for him to do what he did to me on my birthday. At this point...in anger, I've said to my therapist since it happened in the last couple of weeks that I'm done and I just feel too betrayed and I'm ready to cut him out of my life. I swore I would never say that about him. But as time goes on...I'm really starting to feel stronger and stronger about that. Unfortunately, with that...I lose all of my "other" friends too. But then again, I guess I've already lost them. I don't know. Andrew has been such a huge part of my life for so long and has been my best friend for so many years. Without him...I have no one. And that's how I've felt since my birthday. Alone. I have no one. And then everything started happening and I was just praying for a friend...just someone to talk to. I've gone out of my way for so many people and been there for so many people and it hurts that no one has ever done the same for me. And now when I need it the most and I'm just screaming out of my own skin for a friend...everywhere I look...so desperately...there is no one there...anywhere I look. I'm completely...utterly alone. I feel so lost. All I ask is for a friend. A real friend. I've been a real friend to so many people. All I ask is for just ONE in return. Is that really so much to ask? If I keep burying all this pain inside and everything going on and I keep burying and burying because I have no friends to help me or talk to or be there for me...I'm afraid I'm going to lose it.
I feel like I just don't exist anymore...and in the past...I'll admit...I'm usually at fault for that. I isolated myself. But this time...I'm not. I've cried out for help, I've begged for friends, I've asked for people to maybe do for me what I did for them once...but I'm just invisible and worthless. No one will even look at me. I'm screaming in a sound proof box and everyone is just turned away forgotten that I even exist. I doubt they even remember my name. That hurts so much. I'm so alone and I've never felt so helpless.